I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
