I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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