i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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