Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
