the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
