My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
