i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
