So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
