the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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