I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
