Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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