The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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