I looked at my own cervix.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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