your thong is hanging out like whoa
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
