who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
