you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize