You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
