dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I DEMAND FORESKIN
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
