distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
