I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize