I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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