I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
