When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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