Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
