Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
