Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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