I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
