nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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