Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The struggles of a small town man whore
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
