none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
