Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
