She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
