Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
