Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
