Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
