The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
