Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
