so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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