Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
