Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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