she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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