Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
