I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize