Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
