Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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