I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just cropdusted the office
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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