I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
