Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize