Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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