so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
