Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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