Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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