I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
