I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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