im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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