Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the room spins SO much faster in panama
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
