You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
